Simone launches pole dancing franchise

From the Simone Report:

A few months back after a party at Jane Fonda’s in Atlanta, Simone LaCharles and Liza got to talking in the limo on the way back to the Ritz. Liza talked about all of the things that Jane has done with her life, including her workout videos, and suddenly Simone screamed, “I have it Liza, I have it!” Liza, shaken, and spilling her cosmo on her Milano Blahniks, said, “What Simone?” Simone yelled, “Jane Fonda got women across the country working out. You and I are going to get them all pole dancing.” Liza shrieked, “Simone, you are brilliant.”

Here’s the abstract. The studios are called, “Erotica”, and the first one is opening in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. The target market is suburban housewives who have a need to put a little “oomph” into their sex lives with their husbands. Secondary markets will include desperate 40 year-old unmarried women typically found on the bar stools of Holiday Inns across the country. David Boyer, a dear friend of Simone’s, thinks that yet a third market may be drag queens. Edie Falco is under contract for a series of prime time television commercials to be conceived, produced, and directed by avant-garde business film producer Stewart Clifford.

Jim Cullion is designing the poles. Jim believes that the poles should fold up like umbrellas so that they can be carried in a purse. Jim stated, “If a woman is out on a date and she decides to go over to a man’s house at the end of the evening, she can get his juices going by pulling out and expanding her Ralph Lauren dancing pole, securing it via the floor and ceiling in the man’s bedroom, and doing an exotic pole dance choreographed by Simone and Liza.

Wayne Williams will be the fashion consultant for the project. In a meeting with Simone about Erotica, Wayne said, “I think that we should create a whole line of pasties and sell them at Neiman’s.”



OH, IT NEVERS ENDS!



SIMONE, SIMONE, SIMONE.



WHERE WOULD THE WORLD BE WITHOUT HER!

Move On Dot Org

I got my favorite email ever from Move On this week. After signing their petition to oust Tom Delay, an automatic email was generated with a subject line that read: "Thank you for asking Congress to fire Tom Delay". That made me so incredibly happy.

On another note, is it time to unsubscribe from John Kerry.com and subscribe to FriendsofHillary.com?????

Pope Simone?

This just in from our special correspondent:

Simone LaCharles is on her way to Rome today for a secret meeting with Philippe Xavier Ignace Cardinal Barbarin to discuss becoming the first female pope of the Roman Catholic Church.

Simone, exhausted from her work as the story editor of Nip/Tuck says, "If they need me, I will go. I have led before (editor’s note - Afghanistan) and I will lead again!"

'Loosen up your girdle'

... says design star Jonathan Adler in today's SundayStyles section in the Times. During the "Road-tripping with Jonathan Alder and Simon Doonan" article, the 21st Century's premier couple of kitsch make several funny and adroit observations; it's must reading. If you haven't read it yet, put down that Il Papa special section and read this instead.

Other Adlerisms:

totes: short for "totally"
gorge: gorgeous
demitasker: description of Simon who can barely handle one task at a time, let alone be a multitasker.

Bitch Stole My Man!

A few weeks back, Moneka and I were having drinks and dinner at Medjool, the newish fabulous cafe/restaurant/hostel. Total girl place. SF needs more of those. We were sampling the prawns with tomato jam and sipping a nice Spanish blend when she asks me if I have heard from my ex, Joe, in a while. I explained that we don't talk often (his choice) and never more than pleasantries. He's dating Ron Albucher she explained. Dumbstruck moment. Moment passes. Next moment: Indignation about learning this from Moneka over North African tapas follwed by the realization that I couldn't think of a better way to find out.

Since then I mentioned to Ron that I know and he seemed relieved that this was out on the table. This explains why he behaved so oddly when I first approached him a few weeks back and offered to show him around town. I feel like I am supposed to have some kind of reaction like in the title of this post, but,in fact, I have had zero reaction. This may be the ultimate test of having truly moved on. I suppose I should wish them well to demonstrate how "healthy" I am but I'm honestly not really feeling that much either. I do "get" them as a couple - they have some interesting stuff in common.

Surely Simone has an opinion about this turn of events.

Trannie talk

So, like, the other day while walking home from the train, Chris and I passed a tall, slim woman waiting on the corner a block from our place. A trannie, obviously. And at that moment—for some odd reason—I thought: Sure, Alan, Justin, Dave, Paul, Moneka, Greg, they all live in Gayland where trannies abound, but we, we have them right on the block, everyday life, waiting for a bus.

So then, last night, after watching "Deadwood" on HBO, I didn't turn the TV off right away while reading something, and what came on next but some porn doco. Well, it is HBO, but some of the stuff on that show, I just didn't need to see. But what did pop up (pun intended) before I turned it off, was a trannie, in full bloom. That is, she was at some tackie convention hall show with lots of people around, and she was standing their, svelte, beautiful, young, brunette, naked, with nice breasts, and her skinny, longish dick wavin in the wind. Now, what was that? Trannie freak show? The trannie had to show her stuff like she's some oddity?

Well, America, don't fear the trannie.

And, at that moment we knew: Boyer must know her!

And Chris summed it up: "Boyer is a trannie hag."

Vanity Fair

Great idea Joe!

1. One thing on your nightstand: A copy of Ian McEwan’s Atonement. One of those books I gave up on but feel entirely too guilty to file because people I respect love it so much.

2. One thing on a wall in your living room: Iron Chinese symbols for “strength” and “dream”.

3. One thing you have in your house from your childhood: Black and white photo of all my brothers holding christmas stockings in front of the fireplace.

4. Three condiments we would find in your refrigerator: dijon, black olive tapenade, black bean dip (do those qualify?)


5. Three things we would find in your medicine cabinet: Sample size shampoos that work better for the gym, six month supply of contact lenses, unopened toothbrushes for (un)expected sleepover guests.

6. Do your dirty dishes go in the sink or dish-washer? In the sink. I’ve developed a somewhat alarming habit of leaving them there too.

7. Color of your living room sofa? Electric blue. It’s a color I spotted on a Japanese design website for my Lignet Roset Togo and immediately had to have. My ex-boyfriend, John nicknamed the sofa “Big Blue”.

8. Maker of your everyday dinnerware? Crate and Barrel circa 1998 or so.

9. Maker of your fine china? Like Joe said.

10. What is the biggest collection in your house? A box of Legion of Super Heroes comic books that I have not been able to part with.

11. What reading material would we find in your bathroom? The latest issue of Cargo magazine. Love the gear, the clothes and the tips. Don’t own any of it, but it sure is fun to look at. Dwell. Last Sunday’s New York Times Magazine.

Interview of Joe (by Joe)

So, ya know that Q&A in the back of Vanity Fair in which they ask some celebrity of the moment a bunch of questions? It's called something like the "Proustian Questionnaire." Rather too grand, really, but ya can't help reading it. Well, a certain Midwestern newspaper's H&G section does something similiar. Since I've always wanted to be a celebrity but never will, I'd rather just answer the questions myself. Then, I thought, what if we all do? It could be fun! Questions taken from said paper; I think VF's are better. Maybe those later, but for now, here is me:

1. One thing on your nightstand: A faux stone grotesquerie given to me by my hubbie to ward off creatures of the night. And also a glowing, bean-shaped, color-changing light that needs recharged.

2. One thing on a wall in your living room: Vintage poster of buxom Italian lass in an olive orchard, pouring fresh olive oil from a glass ewer into a huge bowl of fresh tomato salad. We call her Marcella. She is the patron saint of the kitchen (most y'all know this).

3. One thing you have in your house from your childhood: A black and white photo of my siblings and me sitting on a bench at the Rome zoo. We're all wide-eyed. I'm holding a lion cub.

4. Three condiments we would find in your refrigerator: Mostardo with pears, vincotto (in both fig and orange flavors) and hot pepper jelly with lime and cilantro.

5. Three things we would find in your medicine cabinet: No dolls, unfortunately. Just things like Emergency Eye Repair Lotion and a caffeine-spiked facial cream.

6. Do your dirty dishes go in the sink or dish-washer? Both. Then the Mister restacks the dish-washer coz I don't do it right.

7. Color of your living room sofa? Canvas-ish, except for the many coffee, wine and chocolate stains; some of them caused by Bumbles, others by me.

8. Maker of your everyday dinnerware? Almost Round, which is even less round now, after a few years of chips and dings.

9. Maker of your fine china? Get real. This is a custom of the very rich and is sadly aped by the middle class with pretensions.

10. What is the biggest collection in your home? Pottery, early 20th century.

11. What reading material would we find in your bathroom? None, really, unless you count the three classic Calvin & Hobbes strips mounted at eye-level for those who pee standing up.

Anyone else? Gregorio?

just stop

David, I did no such thing. You just stop.



also, too, in addition: I think that blogger went blogout and ate Greg's post.

Greg, can you repost?

(artwork from outerborrows.com)

Greg?

Where did your post go? I sewar you had one on there aboutthe art opening we went ot.. now it is gone! vanished! is joseph doing his witchy editing thing?

thursday - art opening for a handsome mexican boy's work

friday - the mudge boy - a sundance 2004 winner running on showtime - a must see for all gay boys - a sweet and homoerotic (hot!) "coming of age and being odd" story


saturday- Michele Borgs birthday party - who knew a fellow Taylor girl could put together such a " L Word" event! pretty girls, pretty boys and then there was me!

sunday - fresh! the dance party of the month - who knew you could have sooo much fun and see so much skin on a sunday at 6:00 PM - kinda like going to church for me! justin wore leather pants- even commuted on Bart in leather, we all danced to steve miller - " Come on and Dance", we did.

dance.wav

mix in some painting - living area - chocolate brown cleaning, editing, estimate writing and bits of Ab Fab’s "Pop Specs" episode and you have got yourself a action packed week-end.

Rice admits sleeping with Bush

Donnie Darko and a Little Dark Reading

Ok, so I was a bit unsure on my post about the film Donnie Darko just after I had watched it. A few days later and I was completely haunted and have been for weeks. The director's cut is available on DVD. Also check out Gary Jules remake of Tears for Fears "Mad World" which plays beautifully over the credits. It is available on Itunes. I am an Itunes whore.

I bought an Ipod for my train rides to Oakland that, in fact, have become a source of pleasure in my days.

250 pages into Tom Perrota's "Little Children" and loving it. He wrote "Election" which was later turned into a wickedly good film with Reese Witherspoon.

By the way Joe I love "Fourbucks".

Alan & Justin

so this is it, as Alan says, the end of an era. For us, you two will be just as far away, but it will be harder to see everyone in one visit. The trip over the bridge is a bit shorter than SF to LA.

But the margaritas sound great.

David, can you take Al by the hand to show him how to post photos of the places in Laguna?

The true story?

Rumors are that Daddy was out snowmobiling—and generally butching it up—and saw this bear.

While some nasty wags questioned the story (is that a real bear? is it a stuffed prop? is that the same "bear" that Boyer saw 20 years ago on Monaghan's island?), more generous souls wanted to believe the butchness of Daddy. Afterall, he is, well, Daddy.

Simone could not be reached for comment.

philosophy

Love the tag line, David. Can I steal it?

Did you think it up yourself? (Really, I have no idea how to ask that without sounding bitchy.)

stirring the pot

boyer boy bloggs again . . (is steve jobs going to read this?)

Well well I must admit i have been absent as of recent from these
wonderfully crafted bloggs. One blog reads just as cleaver and well
written as the one prior and the next. Greg has a way with saying
and visualizing so much with so few words. Joseph - well he reads like
he has consumed a few glasses of red for lunch - but still good storytelling
and somewhat amusing! And the others – just as clever and fun as Greg.

No my absences it is NOT because blogs tend to not contain pictures!
My reason is that i am fearful that Joseph will again ridicule me for miss-sphelt
words and language usage of improper types. (see ain't eye funny).

so if i get a promise (and $,1000) from my fellow bloggers - specifically
Ms. Chicago Tribune herself - to not impede my creative flow
of consciousness and weird thoughts with their critical reviews of my
spellings and verbiage use maybe i will return.

I threaten you that!!


(why the hell don't they build in a check spelling gizmo to this thang anyway?)

glamour is a choice.
drama is necessary.

uh

nothin much to say, but don't mean I can't blog. Ain't that the definition of blogging?

Here in Chicago, we've lately had temperatures 20 degrees below seasonal norms. Only mention that coz it makes you California types feel good about your decision to move out there; makes you feel good about yourselves, self-satisfied. Whatever the hell happened to global warming?

I would describe to you the zeigest of our times, here in the ol' gay hood, but I have no fuckin idea. Maybe that's good. I walk past the local chain coffeeshop (Caribou, not Fourbucks; they also call it Gayibou, Cariboi, etc) on my way home from the bus stop (fermata del' autobus), and I see through the window so many boys with laptops. Checking on their adverts, I would guess. Personals sent out darkly into the night. Whatever happened to going to the bars, drinking too many beers and hoping to meet someone, anyone? These kids today! Just can't understand 'em.

Happy to be married up, let me tell ya.

Which reminds me of Greg's shoutout. Hey, happy anniversary, y'all! Big kisses to Alan & Justin and to David & Paul.

Anyone talking about the Tranie Shack show?

Happy Anniversary!

Happy anniversary to Dave and Paul and Alan and Justin!!!

You made it through a whole year! No Britney Spears faux weddings for these boys.